Nowadays, young women often hear that “marriage is not the whole of life.” This sentence is right, but once the marriage is shaken, then marriage will become the whole of life. It will hold your neck tightly and make you feel suffocated. . A short career is 10 years, and a long career is 20 years, but the married life is 50 years long. Every time I see a woman who takes such a serious matter lightly, I will inevitably sweat for her.
“Anna. The author of Karenina, Tolstoy said, “All happy families are very similar; and each unhappy family has its own misfortune.”
There are thousands of unfortunate marriage stories, but for those who manage marriages properly, happy marriages have a common pattern that is not difficult to sort out. However, the reason why many women feel astonished after getting married is that the wisdom needed to manage a marriage cannot be learned from past school or social experience.
Therefore, I hope that this book can be read for you who plan to get married in the next 5 years, and you who have been married for no more than 3 years, because according to the cases I have personally seen in the past, I find that once I start to feel tired of marriage, No matter how many concrete plans I put forward for effective improvement, I have no intention of accepting it. If the “will to work hard” is lost, there will be no way to help improve. Paradoxically, it is often married people who read books on marriage management. Instead of going around a big circle and expending physical and mental energy to repair the marriage, it is better to put a little effort and effort at the beginning of the marriage, and instead, you can get more than you can imagine.
Marriage requires effort, and this effort is also a kind of love
I have met a very happy couple who have been married for 10 years. My wife and I are good friends. I once asked my wife what kind of effort is needed to maintain a good relationship between husband and wife. However, she replied to me very casually: “I think that married life is not something that can be forced through hard work. Treat each other with peace of mind and comfort, and live naturally. Isn’t this a couple?”
A few months later, I chanced to meet the couple by chance. Husband wore a formal suit, because it was a meeting with his wife’s friends, so he was very formal.
The first impression was a very careful person. After chatting, I found him to be a very amazing person. Even if the wife does not prepare gifts for Valentine’s Day, the husband will definitely prepare flowers or chocolates on White Day. When the children go to school outside of school and are not at home, the husband will finish the work as soon as possible and rush home to accompany his wife for dinner. From the conversation, you can feel that he is very attentive to his wife and always wants to talk to her to please her. He has paid a lot for his wife. No matter how you look at it, it is not what his wife said, “You don’t need to work hard, and get along with each other naturally.” Even the first time I met, I could feel the husband’s efforts, only my wife could not.
A few years later, I heard that they were separated, even if I didn’t ask who the problem was, I could guess it.
The ending of every pair of princes and princesses in fairy tales is always “from then on they live a happy and happy life.” It makes us think that marriage is the end of all suffering and adversity. As long as we experience pain and marry the one we love, we will never again. No effort is required. Therefore, we will think that a good married life is because of the good life of nature. However, the most difficult moment in life is not the college entrance exam or job preparation, but the initial stage of marriage, specifically within 3 years of marriage. Unfortunately, not many people know this.
I once asked couples who lived happily and happily about the secrets of maintaining a marriage. They told me that there were only two things, and that was “patience” and “acting.” When I was just married, I had never heard such an answer. It turned out that “love” is not a necessary condition for a happy marriage.
From falling in love to getting married, it is not difficult at all. Love is an instinct, and living with someone in love is also an instinct. It is not difficult to follow instinct to do things. Although you may experience some difficulties and obstacles when you are in love, it is not worth mentioning compared to the things you need to overcome after marriage.
After marriage is a battle between us and instinct. One can sleep in a messy bed and share it with a man; no matter how many times, when the husband doesn’t turn the socks over to wash, he still has to suppress the urge to hit the back of his head; he’s so tired that he doesn’t want to move a finger. At times, you must suppress the desire to order takeaways to eat, wash the rice and cook; when you return to your in-law’s house for the holidays, you must suppress the instinct to run away desperately. The process that allows you to suppress your instincts until these things become instincts is marriage.
A good married life is very similar to practice. It is not that the wife can live on her own by acting like a baby. How can you say that getting married is something that requires no effort?
Whenever I feel hard, I will shout to myself. If you give up trying because you feel annoying, you must put in more effort in the future. Not only marriage, but in any field of life, you need to continue to learn and work tirelessly. This is life.
Although marriage is a thing that requires a lot of hard work, if you change your mind, you will find that in marriage, how much you work hard, you can get much happiness. In other words, as long as you are not married to a problematic or strange person, all your efforts will turn into happiness and return to yourself.
A mask that should never be taken off after marriage
In the eyes of friends, L’s happy and happy marriage is a very incredible thing. She is beautiful and capable, but her biggest disadvantage is that she will turn upside down if she gets angry. She looks very gentle on the outside. As long as she gets angry all her life, her speech will be very unpleasant and unbearable. Just by gathering the people she has made to cry, it is probably possible to form a World Cup expedition cheering group.
Anyone who has seen L get angry will worry about whether she can get along well with her husband after marriage. In fact, as a friend, L is a very good person and has a lot of affection for friends, but whether the husband who gets along with him every day can accept such a personality is a big question.
But after L got married, all of her friends were overwhelmed. Not only did she not get along well with her husband because of her personality, she also had a very happy life. At first, my friends thought it was a newly married so the nature had not yet been revealed, but after 3, 4, 5 years, L was still very happy. Everyone finally came to a conclusion: “L is a man with a hot personality but very suitable for marriage, or L’s husband is the reincarnation of the Buddha.”
Once, L’s best friend finally revealed her secret to maintaining a happy married life. L received psychological counseling because of too much pressure before marriage. It happened that the counselor of L’s high school sister said to her: “You have to put on a mask.” This sentence means that you should never take off this mask in your whole life. , And don’t let your husband see your bad side directly.
L was confused and asked, “How can someone who wants to spend his life together only let him see the good side? It’s impossible, isn’t it?”
The psychological counselor replied: “It is not that you want you to only see the good side, but hide the worst side of yourself. Many people die without revealing their worst nature, but they are also living well. Very good. Some masks are meant to be worn for a lifetime. If you don’t even have this level of patience, it will be better to live by yourself, but if you want to live well by yourself, I think you still need a certain amount of patience.”
L really loves her fiance, so she promised herself that she would never take off the mask. Of course, L’s husband knows that she is an angry and nonchalant person, but he has never witnessed her anger with his own eyes. Therefore, in his mind, the wife’s personality is not a big deal. No one is perfect. Everyone has shortcomings.
Like the workplace, there are many depressing things in married life. But most people will endure everywhere in the workplace because work is about their livelihoods, but it’s different at home. Because we believe that no matter what weakness we show, marriage will maintain our connection with our family. But this idea is wrong. When we entered this company called “family”, we did not consider leaving or retiring. Therefore, we should treat our spouse more patiently than working in a company.
We know that everyone has shortcomings. Therefore, they are all prepared in their hearts, as long as the other party does not exceed a certain limit, they can still forgive. But when you see the most disgusting side of the other person with your own eyes, you will not be as forgiving as you think. No matter how hard you work, you will not be able to find your love for him again.
Some people may ask, shouldn’t you be completely confessed to your spouse and show the truest side? But I want to tell you that there is no confession and truth that you need to exchange for losing love in your married life .
Because of this, there are several topics in marriage that should never be mentioned. The most representative of them is the bad words of the husband’s family. No matter how unreasonable you are treated in your husband’s house, you should not speak ill of his family in front of your husband. It is trampling on his self-esteem and it is more unbearable than being scolded. Insulting his family is tantamount to insulting his roots. You must not let him see your side. Therefore, when a smart woman encounters such a thing, she will not directly conflict with her husband’s family, but will cleverly incite her husband, let her husband express her dissatisfaction, and then pretend to stop her husband. Although people in the in-laws may all see the “tricky” of the daughter-in-law, the most important thing is that your husband can’t see it.
Most men or women have fantasies about their wives or husbands. “Husband is a responsible man”, “Wife is a gentle and affectionate woman full of maternal love”, “Husband is a very capable man”, “Wife is a slender and sensitive woman”… because of this fantasy, talent Has maintained the love and tension for his spouse. Therefore, under any circumstances, you should not fully reveal your nature. You must be careful that even a single mistake may break the illusion. If you really make a mistake by accident, you have to regain your spirits in the shortest possible time, conceal your most vicious nature, and put on a mask as soon as possible.
Wearing a mask and never taking it off for a lifetime is different from lying. It is closer to “pretending”. Every one of us knows that there are blood vessels and muscles under the skin, but we don’t want to see a face full of blood vessels and muscles. Wearing a mask is to cover up things that clearly exist but don’t want to see directly.
Man from Mars, woman from Venus, mother-in-law from Jupiter
In South Korea, what do you think is the biggest cause of separation between couples who are planning to get married, the number one cause of divorce at the beginning of the wedding, and the number one cause of couples quarreling? Maybe you have guessed it, it is the mother-in-law, especially the mother-in-law. This is because there is a kind of parents in Korea who love their son more than parents in any country in the world. In order to raise their son, they can spend their life savings. Even if the son has grown up, he cannot let him be independent. This phenomenon.
I don’t want to intimidate single women, how terrible mother-in-laws are. Because they are already very scared. What I want to say is that mother-in-law is not an incomprehensible villain in our values. In the process of preparing to get married, or just after getting married, the cause of problems with your in-laws is often not that your in-laws are unilaterally treating you badly, and you don’t know enough about them. Of course I cannot assert that this is 100% true.
A very snobbish mother-in-law when preparing to get married, when you really live with her, you will often find that her character is not so mean. Therefore, don’t think that your mother-in-law’s appearance at the time of marriage is her true appearance, you should look at it with a rational perspective.
M, whose boyfriend has been busy with national exams, finally married her boyfriend not long ago. M’s mother thinks that a man who has not been admitted for so long is incapable, and has always opposed M marrying him. But M still loves her boyfriend very much, and feels that suddenly shouting not to get married at this time is like a kind of betrayal.
Because there is no money to buy a new house, M moved into her husband’s house. Before moving into her in-laws’ house, M did not worry about anything, because she believed that her in-laws should feel very grateful for her son who was unsuccessful and staying by her side, and her in-laws should cherish herself very much. The real situation was completely different from what she thought. Instead, the mother-in-law thought it was M’s fault that her son failed the exam, and said to her, “It’s all because you are in love with my son, so he can’t concentrate on the exam. If it weren’t for you, he would already be a high-level civil servant.” Blame M for the mistakes, and often instruct her to do many things.
In less than a year, M, who couldn’t stand her mother-in-law, rented an apartment with her husband, and finally moved out. Every time she talked about her mother-in-law, she would grit her teeth with anger. “I really can’t understand her head. Both are women, how can she do this?”
Like M, her boyfriend is a candidate. I have hardly seen a good end after marriage. Because of those men’s mothers, once their sons are admitted, they will want better-qualified daughters-in-law; if their sons fail, they will blame the women around their sons for preventing him from studying. There are hardly any exceptions, one hundred out of a hundred are like this.
After marriage, the mother-in-law who is also a woman will make you more difficult to understand and uncomfortable than her husband from Mars. If you think of your mother-in-law as a woman from Venus just like yourself, it is tantamount to planting a factor of disharmony. Mother-in-laws do not belong to the category of men or women. You must treat them as another creature from Jupiter and understand them from a different perspective.
From the mother-in-law’s point of view, the world revolves around the son. The sun, moon, and stars also rise and fall centered on the son. All their moral values and concepts of good and evil are centered on their sons. Such a stand is too firm, which makes them unable to think from the standpoint of others. No matter how kind mother-in-law, this point is the same.
For example, no matter how bad the conditions of her son are, her mother-in-law will still think that getting married is a money-losing business. If an unemployed son marries a capable woman, they will not be grateful for their daughter-in-law’s willingness to marry an incompetent son. Instead, they feel arrogant and overwhelm their son because she feels that she will make some money. If her son had an affair after marriage, she would not feel sorry for the betrayal of her daughter-in-law, but would think that the result was caused by the daughter-in-law’s neglect of her husband. The difference between each mother-in-law lies in whether she has self-cultivation and whether she can express it directly.
One thing I must remind you, don’t try to let your mother-in-law understand that her sons are not as good as she thinks, because their heads can only think like that. The mother-in-law treats you well now because you make her son happy. If the situation changes someday, the nature of the Jupiter man will be revealed.
Think of your mother-in-law as your workplace boss!
After getting married, you become a member of your in-laws, just like a rookie employee of the company.
When we were preparing to enter the workplace for the first time, we always performed very hard, hoping to be favored and stabilized as soon as possible; after entering the workplace, we gingerly pleased the boss every day. But when entering marriage, we often think: We don’t marry to please anyone, so we don’t want to bow our heads easily. Of course, we didn’t get married to serve our mother-in-law, just like we didn’t enter the company to please our boss. But in order to go smoothly in the workplace, we must try our best to show it to the boss. In the same way, in order to maintain a good married life, we must also get along well with our mother-in-law.
Modern women’s self-awareness is getting stronger and stronger, and they think that married life and in-laws are two different things, but that’s just an ideal, and it’s not like this in reality. If you get along well with your mother-in-law, you will be able to get along well with your husband. I have never seen a family with a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law and a good relationship between husband and wife.
In the early days of marriage, the easiest way to get along with your mother-in-law is to treat your mother-in-law as your boss in the workplace. At the same time, you have to treat yourself as a new employee and behave diligently and well in every move. Jupiterians like daughters-in-law who are like new employees. If the daughter-in-law acts like a daughter at first, or even gets too close impolitely, Jupiter people will feel disgusted.
On the contrary, the daughter-in-law who is too quiet and always hides will not be favored by them. Obviously he has become a family, but he always hides behind her husband without saying a word. In their eyes, the meaning expressed by this wife is that she does not want to be close to them, and of course she cannot like it. Let alone get along well.
Go and see how those new employees who have won hundreds of people to enter the company in interviews act in the company. Even if it is an unfamiliar business, you must first show a positive attitude and try hard; if you make a mistake, you will apologize immediately; if you encounter something you don’t understand, you will definitely ask questions. He often has a smile on his lips, his voice is bright and not flinching, and his speech is cautious. Also, in front of your boss, you must be very humble, or at least pretend to be humble. Jupiter’s favorite daughter-in-law is like this. At the beginning of your marriage, treating your in-laws with this attitude will bring you great help.
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cannot be mothers and daughters. This is not just from the perspective of the mother-in-law, but also from the perspective of the daughter-in-law. But aren’t superiors and subordinates who have a good relationship also very good? This may be better than a mother-daughter relationship that was intimate in the last second and quarreled in the second.
Don’t have a baby if you’re not ready yet
I don’t need to say how cute the child is. But raising a child does not become simple because he is cute. The cuter the child is, the more likely it is to make you more depressed and sad. For the quality of children’s life, before you are ready to become a parent, I hope you will not have children. I mean, I don’t want you to take for granted that the next order is to have children after marriage. If you just accept it passively, the pain and responsibilities you have to bear are enormous.
We are different from our parents’ generation. We grew up in a social atmosphere that values personal happiness, and we have never accepted the ideological education that women need to sacrifice for men or their families. We have always been doing whatever we want, we must temporarily forget ourselves to take care of our children, and it is hard not to be harmed by this. If you are fully prepared and want children very much, no matter how difficult you are, you can take a deep breath and bite your teeth to overcome all this. You can’t wear high heels for a few years, you can’t go to the cinema, except for ordering takeaways, you can’t go to a restaurant outside to have a good meal, you must adapt to all of this, not to miss those passing years, and find happiness in another world.
Before getting married, I occasionally talked to an employee of a social welfare agency. She said to me: “If you get married in the future, wait a year before registering your marriage! Also, don’t have honeymoon babies. Two people After living together for a period of time, you can know if the other party is worthy of you to have a child for him. It’s only right to have a child at this time. I work here and I really see a lot of strange things. Some people are defrauded to get married, But because of the child, I can’t do anything.” At that time, I had just graduated from university, and I was ignorant but kept remembering what she said. Thinking back now, I find that this passage is very correct no matter from which point of view it is viewed.
I personally think that giving birth to a honeymoon baby is an improper thing. Generally, in the two or three years after marriage, it is not easy for couples to adapt to each other. Generally speaking, in the third year after marriage, the emotions between husband and wife will be sublimated to another state, which is more stable than during the newlyweds.
If you have children before each other has not adapted to each other, it is easy to cause emotional disharmony between the couple. Moreover, after the child is born, it is easy for couples to ignore sex. What a cruel thing to get pregnant as soon as you get married. Of course, there are also couples who have children before marriage and live happily. But you don’t know how much effort and tears they took before they reached the happy day.
Although raising children is harder than you think, it will also be more fulfilling than you think. When a child is crying, it is very annoying. When a child laughs, it is like the sun illuminating the whole world. After I got married and had children, I realized that people’s happiness also obeys the “Law of Conservation of Quality.” The harder you work, the greater your sense of happiness and accomplishment. If it’s not hard, of course, the degree of happiness is only a little bit.